i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
