I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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