Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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