I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
