Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
