Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
