I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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