Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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