You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
