she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I don't think brook has ever known best
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
