Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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