sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
