the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
