mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize