someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
