Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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