i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize