Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
