Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
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I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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