i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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