I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You made out with two different species that night
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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