found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
