just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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