No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
