he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
