dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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