Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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