I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
