He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
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I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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