He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
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Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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