you guys were way drunker than both of me
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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