HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
