Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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