I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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