im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
