Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
