You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up under a house in Key West
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize