I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
