so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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