if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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