Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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