I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
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