i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
