remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
