Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
