she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
