Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
