I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i drank out of a bidet.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.