Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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