Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
