I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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