I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
