nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Michael Bay diarrhea
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
