I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
