there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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