What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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