Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
