Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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