dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
