I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
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All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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