I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
