I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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