Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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