I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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